so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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