Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
