I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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