he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
