I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
