I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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