Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
