I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
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threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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