She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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