i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
