I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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