areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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