Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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