How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
