Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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