Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
