Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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