the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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