Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
