We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
