What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
