So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
