just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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