Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
