and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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