im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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