It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
