Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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