Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
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for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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