I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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