It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
