shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I look excited, but its just a facade.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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