I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought