I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.