I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
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Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.