I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
