Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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