the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
