Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
