his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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