for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
