I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
