Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
