so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
