its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
