Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
