You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
