I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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