but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
