did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
