i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
