My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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