it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
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I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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