i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
