there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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