I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
